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The Story of Mike, My Fight For Lilly & My Defective Mind. Home Of: MichaleJGranata.com & LillyMakar.com

12/1/16 Journal of Reflection

treat-reflectionI was talking to someone on Facebook about the year ending and hoping 2017 is a better year.  But then I thought about December of 2015 and saying “I hope 2016 will be a better year”.   And look how 2016 turned out. I found a driving job that turned out to almost literally be the death of me, I worked almost 24hrs a day to please my boss. Which was one of the big causes of my car accident. It was also the cause of some bad decisions like the loss of two friends because I brought back Jenn Carson into my life, ran up a large amount of debt and loss my car.

I just sit here thinking about December 2015 and thinking about how much better 2016 would be. How I would work the hole year driving and do so great.

How do I make sure I don’t make the same mistakes?

How do I change this pattern of a few months of work followed by hospitalization then trying to rebuild what I lost? How do I get ride of this anger and emptiness? How do I step outside of my self and leaner from the mistakes of the last 4 years?

All great questions and yet all I can see right now is a lump of broken mass that does not deserves to be fixed. I guess that is the depression / illness talking but it feels true. I say it is because I have been sleeping more and spending less time outside of my home. I have blown off doctor appointments and other stuff so that I can stay in bed and not have to face the world. Because inside my bed is comfort and sleep and in sleep there is not emptiness, no pain, and no voices.  There is no missing Lilly or Holidays to tell me I am alone and unloved.

How do I take on all of this in 2017? How do I change anything? Or am I doomed to repeat the same cycle? Seems like I am stuck in 2012. Where I am sure I said 2013 was going to be a good year.


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Posted By: Michael J Granata
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“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.” – Philip K. Dick

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” — Doctor Who

“The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.” – Tom Smothers

“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”George Orwell

“Not attacking anyone but the system, I don’t blame any person but the system” – Henry Ford

“If you don’t work on important problems, it’s not likely that you’ll do important work”. – Richard Hamming

“Being in a minority, even in a minority of one, did not make you mad. There was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad.” – Orwell

“Genius is eternal patience” – Michelangelo
“There are two different types of people in the world, those who want to know, and those who want to believe.”- Friedrich Nietzsche

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This entry was posted on December 1, 2016 by in Journal and tagged , , , , , , , , .
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